Bennett Scouring Keplar’s ‘Earth-Like Planets’ for England Eligibility

Nation coach Wayne Bennett has been pouring over the data from NASA’s Kepler telescope in the hopes of find life in the ‘Goldilocks Zone’ that might be eligible for England.

The orbital telescope, which detects potential Earth-like planets through wobbles in the light emanating from their parent stars, has been seen as a great potential source of half-backs and loose forwards for Bennett’s side.

He said: “You know what it’s like mate. You come in to a national set up like England, full of pride and history, and you look at how you can supplement it with anything: animal, mineral, alien.

“Just the way rugby is going bud. What’s the matter, Klingons make very gritty prop forwards. You racist of summut?”

Despite no extraterrestrial life having been discovered by the probe, it is still assumed by Bennett that the potential English talent pools on planets like Proxima B and Kepler-266e will be just fertile as that in Canberra and on the Gold Coast.

“It’s about getting the best English blokes for the English side, whether it be the Morris brothers, Trent Hodkinson, or the baldy jazz dudes from the Star Wars cafe.

“How I see it mate is that these lads are more English then suet pudding and a trip to the gin shop.”

Potential England signing, and cartoon extraterrestrial, Marvin, said: “Owwwh, delightful. I would love to play for this ‘Uug-er-lund’ of which you speak. At last I will have my chance to conquer the Earthlings once and for all!

“Wait, this is off the record, isn’t it?”

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About Airlie Undercover
Part-time mascot and full-time bird. Airlie spends his weekends eating worms, vocally protecting his territory and regurgitating oily fish for his young. A huge Hull F.C. fan and proud owner of an MA in Journalism from Fareo Isles Polytechnic. He spends his weekends as an undercover hack, finding the stories that matter to you, in black and white.

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